Reply to: pers-dcpsn-2368667077@craigslist.org
YOU:
a middle aged woman in an SUV who must have been tired from running through my dreams all night ..which would have explained why you weren't paying any attention and HIT ME WITH YOUR SUV
ME:
just an energetic pedestrian who enjoyed brisk jogs in well marked crosswalks until fate (assuming that your name is 'fate' in this story) HIT ME WITH HER SUV
WHEN:
at 9 o'clock in the morning on Friday the 6th. i'm sure that it was very hard to see with all of the blue skies above, but that didn't stop us from crossing paths ..WHEN YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR SUV
WHERE:
at the corner of 25th & I St Sacramento, CA or better known as the first time i saw heaven when looking into your eyes (or how i almost saw heaven after you HIT ME WITH YOU SUV)
THE STORY:
Basically I forgot to pay my rent before the fifth, which would of course not reflect on how I would take care of you day in and day out. I had placed a check in my wallet Thursday night (next to my magnum ‘just in case’ condom) and never turned it in. The next morning I freaked out and started running to my landlord in my vibram shoes (which provided absolutely no protection when you ran over my foot). While rounding the corner of 25th & Ist at 9am, I was continuing my jog inside the crosswalk when it felt like I got hit by a truck. Now here is the part of any usual romance novel where ‘getting hit by a truck’ is likened to the feeling of love but you had decided to take it one step further by actually HITTING ME WITH YOUR SUV
Now of course it was not my intention to get hit, and I thought that I had made that abundantly clear by staying within the painted crosswalk lines but I guess that we can work on our communication skills while spending the rest of our lives together. It was actually a pretty impressive trick that you had pulled off, pinning my left foot underneath your tire causing the rest of my body to slam into your tire and side paneling (how’s that for an M. Night Shyamalan style twist?!) I know that I saw you first and had even expected you to stop at the stop sign but you instead disregarded the normal street laws even proceeded to perform a California Roll. I take that back. You hardly tapped your brakes so much that I’d have to declare your move a Hawaiian Roll, that’s how calm, relaxed and aloof you were.
So there we were, two star crossed lovers interacting for the first time. You in your protected metal bubble and me in my possibly too revealing shorts. Thankfully you thought enough of me to pull over even though you seemed just the type to break my heart, or a bone or two if given the chance. Cut to me screaming out the usual lines when seeing someone of the opposite sex like ‘I can’t believe you just hit me with your car’ or ‘SERIOUSLY, I STILL can’t believe you just hit me with your car!!’ You come out with the big guns, hitting me with tears that could match Japan’s tsunami which melted my heart like the polar ice caps. Needless to say, the juices were flowing. Then out of nowhere a grey haired man approached the scene; an old boyfriend perhaps? I never did find out. Either way, he stuck his head in to the conversation like Punxsutawney Phil diving back into his hole after seeing his own shadow. Look, I know that the references here are getting over the top like a Sylvester Stalone movie but reliving the moment of when you HIT ME WITH YOUR SUV kind of has me on the edge of my seat all over again.
I was talking to you about children and our future ..like what if instead of HITTING ME WITH YOUR SUV, you had instead hit a small tyke riding his bike? You were sobbing and saying that you stopped, which I immediately shot down like a helicopter in Libya. I tried to be the type of man to command respect by saying something along the lines of ‘Stay right here, I need to do some man shit’ in the best Old Spice guy character I could manage. In reality I was just trying to drop off that late rent check half a block away to keep a house over my head so that I could provide for you and ours down the road. Instead you made like a tree and got outta there (by the way, I really like Back to the Future and hope you do too). I don’t know, maybe you had other plans with that ex boyfriend of yours. Ultimately you just reminded me that life can be like a teenage boy’s dick and get hard sometimes for no reason.
So we parted ways and I never got your name, number, insurance information, license plate or any other way of contacting you again. Thankfully I have a very sharp pain in my knee to remind me of our short time together which works out great while serving food at the popular restaurant that I work at (I can cook too!! Would have told you but we didn’t exactly get to that part of the conversation). I’m actually assuming that you have children yourself. Maybe from that previous relationship? Maybe you’re actually still married! With Mother’s Day just around the corner, I’m hoping that you actually come in to my restaurant so that we can reconnect. I won’t so much spit in your food as update the police report I had filed shortly after realizing that the possible love of my life had left.
Attached is a photo of me from that fateful day to help jog your memory. Oh hey, there’s that word ‘jog’ again. One that I will now associate with you HITTING ME WITH YOUR SUV
* Location: 25th & I st
Found at: http://sacramento.craigslist.org/mis/2368667077.html
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